I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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