I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
