he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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