I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
