So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
