Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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