oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
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My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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