Im at strip club and am horny
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
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Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
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Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy