If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
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