I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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