why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
