Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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