I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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