theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
