I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
