I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
