he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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