I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
