Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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