doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
