I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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