ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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