Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
