I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
