if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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