Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
FUCK WHALES
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