The maid of honor just puked.
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
