Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
