You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I could fuck to npr.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
