My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize