You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
