I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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