I CAN MOONWALK!
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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