Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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