i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
