only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
