Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
