i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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