so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
