First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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