I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
