The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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