im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Randomize
