god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Is it because I queefed?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
