when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
