i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
