I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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