This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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