I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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