I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
