I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I need moral support for this bender
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Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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