Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
