At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize