Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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