u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
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Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
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Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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