I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
