My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
