oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
