His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
