Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
