in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
