worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
