I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
That was before I lit my hair on fire
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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