I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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