he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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