he shaved USA in his pubs
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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