All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
