I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
