Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
