i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
