Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
