Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
