I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Just invented taco cereal.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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